


Why the Loremaster Sailed

by Umeko



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Consensual, Drunk Sex, F/M, Humor, M/M, Misbehaving elves, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-05-25
Packaged: 2018-01-26 10:45:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1685513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umeko/pseuds/Umeko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of King Elessar and Queen Arwen's wedding feast, or the crackfic on why the Loremaster sailed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why the Loremaster Sailed

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first LOTR fic I am attempting and I am going for a crack-fic. This is probably non-canon as far as Elves in Tolkien’s world go. Liberties have been taken with events and timelines to have the characters where I want them to be for the purposes of this crack fic. Sorry, Tolkien.

**After the Feasting**

Weddings were always a big deal and it was no surprise how the new Steward and the people of Minas Tirith outdid themselves as hosts for the grand wedding feast of their new king and his Elven queen. Delegations from far and wide, Elven, dwarven and mortal, came to celebrate the union of King Elessar of Gondor and Arwen Evenstar of Lorien. Gimli’s people brought their finest wine. Dwarven wine was known for its strength and more than a few of the esteemed guests were hopelessly drunk by the time the main course of dinner was served.

Arwen felt a little light-headed herself, being unused to dwarven wine. She had restricted herself to a glass, to keep the pre-nuptial jitters at bay.  Her ladies had ushered her from the dining hall before the serious drinking and partying started. Bathed and perfumed, she felt a little foolish lying naked under the silken covers, waiting for her husband to come to her. The toasts were taking too long for her liking. Eru grant that he be sober enough to find their room, and more importantly, discharge his duties as bridegroom. 

She giggled lightly at the sweet memory of those stolen kisses in Lorien, freely exchanged under the leaves of her Grandnana’s favourite copse. They had just exchanged their mutual vows and would have consummated their union there and then if it were not for her grandparents stumbling over them on their afternoon stroll. 

However, she was no virgin and Estel was not either. Her brothers had introduced him to a human brothel outside Riverdell when he came of age. The trio had indulged more than they should and a furious Glorfindel had to retrieve them after a week of absence. Her first crush was on the golden-haired warrior, when she was but an elfling. She would pester him endlessly and bring little gifts of flowers for him. That was soon after her mother’s departure for Valinor. Stern talks by her father and Glorfindel’s attempts to turn her down did not deter her. Things reached a head one night when the overly-precocious Arwen surprised the hapless warrior in the bath. Concerned, Lord Elrond had sent his daughter off to Lorien to be raised by her grandmother. Arwen had to admit that her grandmother indulged her with little restraint. 

She cast her roving eye over the handsome elves in Lorien but found none met her exacting standards. Glorfindel had set a high bar. Her first experience was an awkward fumbling with a young soldier who reminded her a little of Glorfindel. They were both barely of age. It was a disappointing encounter as her lover was too raw and over-eager. Next came a trio of brothers in her Grandmother’s guard. They were far more experienced in the ways of love. Haldir, Rumil and Orophin did almost everything together then, including fucking. That episode ended when the luckless guardsmen finally caught on that they were having an orgy with their lady’s granddaughter.

In her misspent youth, she conducted liaisons with both ellon and elleth alike, noble, servant or soldier. The Perendhil siblings were renowned for their carnal appetites, much to their father’s dismay. Arwen’s dalliances rarely lasted long. By her fifth century, she had settled to a life of quiet study under Galadriel’s tutelage, with only the occasional fling to lighten the tedium of her days. Arwen ruefully admitted that it had been a while since she had lain with anyone.

It irked her a bit that she had to act the part of the demure maiden before her subjects when she was almost burning to… Of course, the bawdry ballads the Crown Prince of Greenwood chose to honour them with did not help one whit. Her beloved was so cute when he blushed so. 

With a fleeting twinge of modesty, she shuffled deeper into the covers as the sound of merrymaking and raucous laughter approached. Estel staggered in amidst much bawdry jesting but he was sober enough to shove his comrades out of the room.

“Off with you lot!” he bawled as he shut the door to the nuptial chamber. He turned and stumbled towards the bed but he did not get far before his Elven bride greeted him in a less-than-demure kiss.

“My love, allow me…” Arwen purred as her fingers made short work of her bridegroom’s garment. She yelped as her husband playfully slapped her on her exposed bottom.

“I have never lain with a mortal before, be gentle, beloved…” Arwen pleaded mischievously in Quenya. She batted her eyelashes like a maid. 

“My lady, it should me to plead for you to spare a poor mortal like me…” Estel hiccupped. Bereft of her flowing dresses, Arwen was beautiful perfection, only matched by… Aragon determinedly shoved the memory of that night away but Arwen caught that look on his face. She shoved him gently onto his back on the bedspread.

“Tell me truthfully, have you lain with an elf before?” Arwen asked as her fingers worked her lord’s shaft.

“Only once- during the quest, after we parted with Frodo- sweet Eru!” he gasped. “It was no elleth. Legolas- It just happened…” Arwen had her lips on him, like Legolas did that night by the campfire. He was so close… His bride released him.

“Did he ride you thus?” Arwen straddled him and lowered herself onto his shaft.

“Yes, yes! But I swear you will be only one for me from hence, ellon or elleth, elf or mortal….” Aragon cried aloud as she worked her inner muscles around him while lifting her lowering her hips in a steady rhythm. 

“I believe your pledge, my husband. And I pledge the same…” Arwen gasped as the waves of their orgasms washed all coherent words from them.

Spent, they laid together with hands entwined, glowing with their post-coital bliss. 

“Tell me, my love, was there any truth to Greenleaf’s ballad about you kissing an elk?”

Aragon choked with laughter. “None at all. It was Elladan who lost that bet.”

**Morning After**

Elrond groaned as he rubbed sleep from his eyes. It was a horrible mistake on his part. He should have known better even if he was the one seduced. He had drunk too much of the wine and it had been ages since he had lain with anyone. In fact, he had not shared his bed with another since his lady sailed. Out of all the elves… 

Deep in reverie, Legolas threw the covers off him, exposing the bruises on his bare hips and ivory column of his neck. How many times had he taken the younger elf in the night? Elrond swallowed hard. Legolas was even younger than his Arwen, young enough to be his grandion. Thranduil would not be pleased. Perhaps there would a Kinslaying before the Third Age ended. Elrond was the elder. He should have known better. Elrond groaned and buried his head in his hands. He was naked and the sheets were tacky with their spilled seed and reeking of musk.

The trouble had started when Greenleaf got drunk enough to sing a bawdry ballad in about Estel and an elk. Scandalized, he had wanted Erestor to escort the elf-prince to his chamber. However, his advisor was nowhere in sight, as was his master-at-arms. The minstrel Lindir was too busy providing music for the feast and the twins were in deep conversation with their grandparents. So it was the Lord of Imladris who escorted the apparently drunk prince to his room.

“Take me…” the prince purred into his ear as he helped him into bed. Perhaps Elrond had been drunk too. Surely if he had been sober he would not lean so eagerly into the kiss the golden-haired prince offered. 

It had been too long. Elrond was no stranger to coupling with males, having experimented on many an occasion in his youth, well before his union with Celebrian. Mostly they were awkward fumblings with comrades in tents or the baths. His first encounter was with his twin Elros in the bath, when they were mere elflings bewildered by their bludgeoning sexuality. There was Gil-Galad, who educated his herald Elrond in the finer points of coupling with an ellon. He had been a patient and gentle bed-teacher.

Legolas was another matter altogether. He was all passion and unbridled lust, packed in that perfect golden frame. Legolas always had a unique beauty which had made the hearts of both sexes flutter whenever he smiled at them so.

Who would have thought that Greenleaf Thranduilion was such an animal in the bedchamber? The elf-king had always been so staid and often unbearably pompous. He would not have countenanced his ion behaving like some common harlot, no, more a skilled courtesan. How he had savoured the pleasured moans he drew from his bedfellow. How he had sated his lust in that velvety channel as the prince rode him, or with those shapely thighs about his waist… _Oh sweet Eru!_

Elrond shook his head, feeling nausea from more than a hangover threaten. Dawn was breaking. He best be gone least his presence in the elf-prince’s room be discovered.

Gathering the garments he had strewn over the floor in his haste of the night before, Elrond dressed silently. He placed a soft, regretful kiss on the cheek of the still-sleeping Legolas. He pulled the covers back over the young prince to cover his nakedness. He drew the bed curtains so that the prince might sleep a little longer. Elrond ruefully admitted that he had enjoyed himself. Would Legolas look back on the night they had shared with fondness? Or would he put it down to some drunken dream? Perhaps it was for the best they both treated it as a dream. Still, Elrond did not know how he could look Legolas or his father in the eye the same way again.

The household was starting to stir and Elrond crept swiftly but noiselessly down the corridor. He was sure his room was in the direction of…

A familiar giggle reached his ears. _Arwen._ A masculine chuckle followed. _Estel._ Elrond flinched as Estel’s footsteps drew nearer. Arwen’s steps were near silent due to her elf-blood. 

“Let’s surprise Legolas…”

“I could not wait to see his face when he wakes to this…” Grinning widely like a young boy, Estel held up the mounted head of a large stag they had spirited from their nuptial chamber.

He could not let them see him walking from Legolas’ room. Panicking, he tried the nearest room and was gratified to feel the door yield to him. He ducked into the room bare moments before the newly-wedded pair turned the corner.

He had stepped into another bedroom. A huge four-poster bed reminiscent of the one he had so recently vacated stood in the room. The bed curtains were drawn back to reveal three reclining forms which were just stirring at the intrusion into their bed chamber.

“Pray tell, did either of you remember to lock the fucking door?” a voice husky with sleep rang out. It was Thranduil. Elrond gawped like a goldfish at the elven-king, golden and unabashed in his naked glory. On either side of the fair-haired king was a pair of dark-haired elves, both ellons and both equally naked. The monarch had his arms thrown almost possessively over their shoulders. His identical bed fellows had their hands stroking the elf-king’s royal sceptre where it stood proudly from his groin.

The pair sported a crude collar of love-bites on their necks and the bed reeked of spent sex, undeniable evidence of their indulgences of the night.

“Ada?” Elladan and Elrohir balked when they realized who was standing by the door.

“Elrond, my friend, please shut the door when you leave…” Thranduil huffed as he came all over the twins’ fingers in milky gobs.  

The Loremaster sailed from the Grey Havens within the month.


End file.
